This restlessness that strikes me in the middle of the night is proving to be the bane of my immediate early mornings. The past two weeks I've been figuratively kicking myself, feeling less responsible and more a slave to my muse. Every night I work myself until I'm falling asleep in front of my project, my ephemeral obsession, and then every morning I'm overcome with listlessness as I sip at my coffee for artificial awareness. I wish I could freeze time and give my body the rest it needs when it cries out for it instead of pushing myself harder and further. I can't tell if I'm subconsciously doing this because I'm trying to battle another surge of depression by keeping my mind quiet and busy, or if my internal clock has my days and ways confused with mother Europe.
Today I dropped a sculpture class that was not living up to my expectations. Without revealing too much, I can say that I think the graduate student teaching it did have the best of intentions, just not the best of methods. The class title and description sounded really exciting and seemed like they would combine two of my favorite things: science and art. Unfortunately, it seemed to be bad science, and even worse: absolutely terrible art. Some of the concepts behind the pieces we looked at were genuinely intriguing, but the execution poor. It was also very apparent when the teacher was not comfortable speaking in front of the class because her voice would quaver, her hands would quake, and she would clear her throat or stumble over her words. Beyond these things, my heart wasn't in the class. No - my heart sat at home, watching me patiently from my drafting table, calm and knowing that I would come to my senses and return to that sacred place.
I am exhausted and ready for bed, but I am hesitant, almost afraid, to try and sleep. Maybe a few more minutes of rearranging around this rat's cove of a home (clutter, clutter, clutter, but oh so pretty in all its eclectic disarray) and I'll be ready to jump into my dream-land once more. In all honesty, I want to wake up and start my first free day to myself. I want to create. I think I'm burning out emotionally and need it as a retreat.
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